Do you feel like your Christian life goes in cycles? Loved by God, used by God, useless, lost, apathetic, loved by God, used by God, useless, lost, apathetic... Maybe I'm the only one, but I doubt it. I have a thousand conversations in my head about God and Jesus and Christianity and the meaning of it all. I'll never have it figured out 100%, but it doesn't stop me from having mental dialogue on a daily basis.
My present condition in my Christian cycle is lost. I know the love of God is real, I know Jesus is my Savior, and I know my purpose here is for His glory. But how does that all play out? Yesterday my pastor mentioned the scripture that speaks of life being a vapor. As I contemplated the brevity of life, it was a strange thought that in all of eternity, our short time on earth is so important. I wonder why it works out that way.
Then, I began thinking into the future, thousands of years. So many years later, will I still remember, still regret what I did or did not do here? I tend to dwell in guilt, so it was pretty typical for me to fear regret. So the conversation in my head was rolling. I want my life to count. I want to have purpose. In response I said, “How?” Some people do great things: they become missionaries; they give their lives to serving; they ride bikes across
I tend to be of the mindset that in order to be pleasing to God, I have to do something big, something that leaves an evident footprint in the world. I think deep down I know this isn’t a true philosophy, but when I just live everyday life, I feel useless.
I believe a lot of this confusion stems from my upbringing that focused so much on works. These were good works, mind you: soul-winning, church attendance, Bible reading, choir singing. All these things are great things! But you know, they don’t make God love me more, and those things alone don’t make me super Christian. And I’ve found they don’t make me satisfied either. There is something deeper, something more.
There is that feeling of being alone with God, and knowing that He is your all. Even when you forget to read your Bible; even when all your friends go their separate ways; even when you fail in the most miserable way. There is no alone. God is present.
And then I start to realize, there is more to this life than just the things I do. There is the experience of God and me. From the beginning of creation, the plan was for God and me. Our time on earth exists because God intended us to walk with Him. Sin has ruined that perfect moment, but each day, we live to find those moments with Him. Sometimes, those moments will include serving others, sharing the Gospel, giving to the poor, but at other times, it will just be God and me. Alone. And in a thousand years, I want to look back and remember that God was with me, because truly, it’s about Him. It was never about me.
So as I continue to feel lost, no matter where my mind takes me, I think it’s most important to remember that He is near, and I am not lost, nor am I alone.