Thursday, October 22, 2009

Do I Really Want to Go Here?

I really don't like talking about being single because I like to pretend I'm above all other single people. I mean, I am pretty freakin awesome, but that doesn't alleviate me of my singleness. Weird, right? Of course, I had to start with some sort of sarcasm and humor because that's how we emotionally inept people work. We hide the real feelings and just pretend to be funny so people will like us on the surface, and that makes us content for the moment.

But then I have to go home and cry. and be alone.

So here I go. For the past four or five years, I've become very aware of my lack of nurture, the effect of my childhood on my adult life, and the deep need I have for years on a couch in an office. As a Christian, I get lots of "blah blah blah" from so many angles as a single female Christian. I'm not even going to delve into that. It would give me a headache.

As I look at my life, how it has played out, and where I am now, I find myself saying I am single because of all the crap I've gone through. I won't find someone because I have too many problems, and I don't know how to love, and I have no sense of identity. I could go on. While driving to work the other day, I thought, "Self, you're blaming God." I've been saying, "God, this is your fault. You gave me this life and you're not fixing it. Why are you doing this to me? You've ruined me!"

Yikes.

So somewhere in that drive, I said, "God, I don't know why this is what you want for me right now, but apparently it is. You didn't ruin me. It's somehow your plan. I'm not single because of my childhood. I'm single because that is what you have for me."

This is not a blog about how I'm going to claim the single life and be all empowering or anything. In fact, I don't even know if I'll post this for long. I am not looking for the "oh he's out there" responses or any of that crap. And this certainly isn't me saying I have achieved any status of spirituality.

I'm just saying I had a moment where I realized I was blaming God. I was taking an earthly look at a situation and making my own conclusions. Shame on me.

2 comments:

Kass said...

"I'm just saying I had a moment where I realized I was blaming God. I was taking an earthly look at a situation and making my own conclusions. Shame on me."

Me too. Thanks for sharing this, Mel. Your thoughts really echo what I think (even though we're in totally different stages of life) but much more eloquently.

Coral said...

I'm always amazed at your ability to share your thoughts and feelings for others to read. It's something I wish I did better but don't. So I don't have any words of wisdom but thanks for the encouragement you are to me by sharing your thoughts and feelings. And I often see myself in it and see what I'm doing wrong as well. If that makes sense. :)