Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Undeserving

It's on my mind. It's on my mind. It won't go away. So here I sit, contemplating, thinking, wondering, pondering. I have no answers.

I live in the perfect situation, and it's all going away. I pay a rent that is affordable for me---and is outlandishly cheap in this area. I have internet and DVR, pool access, and incredibly wonderful landlords. The fact that I have to leave is so heartbreaking because I don't believe that anything could be better.

In my heart, I want to stay here so badly. So I talk to God, and I ask if I can. I tell Him that I know I don't have the right to demand, but I also question my right to ask. Can I ask Him for what I want? Am I being selfish for this desire? And then, if I DO think it's ok to ask, at what point do I CLAIM it, or do I have that right?

The idea of prayer and petitions and faith is all so confusing to me. I don't want to believe something will happen just because I ask God---not because I don't think He's capable, but because He is not obligated to give me everything I want. He's not my genie. He's God. But then, where does faith have a role in all this? How do I ask for something in faith if I really don't think He has to give it to me? Does that make me lacking in faith?

I don't understand how it all works. And I don't know how to pray. So, I just said this all to God, but still, I feel like I'm focusing on me here, rather than on Him. Oh, the guilt factor! When will it go away?!

2 comments:

ren said...

I had a really great comment. I lost it in cyberspace.

It is not selfish to pray for what we desire, if we also acknowledge a desire for God's best. It is selfish to command God (also know as "claiming") to give us what we want because we are saying that what we desire is greater than God's best.

Pray for what you desire. Tell God that this thing is something you really want. Then tell Him, too, that above all you desire whatever His best for you may be, and that you want your desires to align with His best.

Our faith shouldn't/doesn't rest in/depend on getting the thing we pray for. It should rest in knowing that God has something best for us and that He will work toward our best. If we pray for the things we desire while also praying ultimately for His best, whatever that might be, knowing that is what He will give us, then not receiving the thing we pray for is not so faith-shaking.

Ultimately, the balance of prayer is much like Christ's prayer in Gethsemane--God, this is the thing I desire, but above all I want your best for me, whatever that may be. I trust that you will bring it to pass, and I ask for my desires to line up with Yours.

Those are my restated thoughts on the matter, anyway.

.:*Beautiful Self*:. said...

God never said we couldn't ask "why...?" -- and as humans, we are going to do that.

Just so long as we realize that He's always right, and we're not - everything will be ok.

God is so good to us!