It's on my mind. It's on my mind. It won't go away. So here I sit, contemplating, thinking, wondering, pondering. I have no answers.
I live in the perfect situation, and it's all going away. I pay a rent that is affordable for me---and is outlandishly cheap in this area. I have internet and DVR, pool access, and incredibly wonderful landlords. The fact that I have to leave is so heartbreaking because I don't believe that anything could be better.
In my heart, I want to stay here so badly. So I talk to God, and I ask if I can. I tell Him that I know I don't have the right to demand, but I also question my right to ask. Can I ask Him for what I want? Am I being selfish for this desire? And then, if I DO think it's ok to ask, at what point do I CLAIM it, or do I have that right?
The idea of prayer and petitions and faith is all so confusing to me. I don't want to believe something will happen just because I ask God---not because I don't think He's capable, but because He is not obligated to give me everything I want. He's not my genie. He's God. But then, where does faith have a role in all this? How do I ask for something in faith if I really don't think He has to give it to me? Does that make me lacking in faith?
I don't understand how it all works. And I don't know how to pray. So, I just said this all to God, but still, I feel like I'm focusing on me here, rather than on Him. Oh, the guilt factor! When will it go away?!