Who I Am Hates Who I've Been (Relient K)

I think too much. I don't know when that started, but it's true! Once in a while, I'll try to post about something I've been thinking. Unfortunately, my thoughts travel so quickly to the next topic, I forget my point by the end of the post. It's likely this post may be an example.

Growing up, all I ever wanted was to be accepted by my older brother. From as young as I can remember, he couldn't stand my existence. He constantly made fun of me and shoved me away from his space. I remember being invited to his friend's birthday party when I was about 4. My brother didn't wear a shirt because it was hot outside. I wanted so much to be like him that I begged my mom to let me go without a shirt. I remember her saying no, arguing with me about it, and finally letting me go. Then I recall as soon as we got there, my brother began to point at me and make fun of me in front of all his friends. I was so humiliated.

I think that's the earliest memory of my brother's rejection, but it continued even through high school and beyond. From the time I was small, I was constantly molding my decisions, my likes, my dislikes, my choices on things my brother liked. In junior high, he liked rap, so I liked rap. I could never admit I might like New Kids on the Block because he would have made fun of me. Everything I did was based on what I thought would gain his acceptance.

I think this plays a big part in a couple areas of my life. First of all, I like a variety of things (food excluded!) and am pretty open to trying anything just to try it (food excluded). That's a good thing. The negative is that I have a very hard time knowing my own opinions. I tend to say what I think people want to hear. My desire for my brother's acceptance has morphed into my desire for everyone's acceptance. Somewhere in time, I lost who I was, who I am. It is difficult for me to assess my own feelings. I have a hard time knowing what I want. I don't know how to make my own decisions.

After so many years of rejecting my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions, I have no idea how to rewind, how to start over, how to fix it. I feel like I will never be able fix this flaw. This is where my post rabbit trails in a few directions ...

1. Making my own decisions or voicing my opinion sometimes requires confrontation/disagreement, which I avoid at all cost (another post all together).

2. If I let other people make my decisions for me, I can blame them when things go wrong (lack of responsibility).

3. I'm afraid of who I am. It's easier to live this way than to figure out how to fix myself.

4. Through the years, my mind has raced 100 other trails from these thoughts---too many to continue for now.